Kenneth sent in this logline:
THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller in which prodigal son Dexter Grey returns to Salt Lake City and reunites with his high school sweetheart Julie Manning to solve his parents’ murders, plunging the duo into their families’ twisted histories of polygamy and violence.
Think BLUE VELVET meets BIG LOVE.
I sent him back these comments:
Kenneth;
You’ve done a good job with your logline. Three things I noticed quickly.
The one thing that might be nice to add is to include who the protagonist is. While the central conflict is clear – solving their parent’s murder – it’s not clear who’s standing in the way trying to prevent it.
While it might be important to the story, the stuff about his high school sweetheart seems like it could be left out of the logline as it doesn’t really add anything in terms of the conflict or story – unless of course she’s the protagonist, but then you’d need to somehow clue us in that that is the case.
I’m also not sure Dexter Gray’s returning to Salt Lake City is necessary for the logline – that part of the story doesn’t seem to go anywhere in the context of a simple logline.
THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller in which prodigal son Dexter Grey returns to Salt Lake City and reunites with his high school sweetheart Julie Manning to solve his parents’ murders, plunging the duo into their families’ twisted histories of polygamy and violence.
I went and put the stuff I like in blue and the stuff that I think you could remove in red (roughly) and then you could add a few words about who the protagonist is and set up the main conflict.
Ashley
Kenneth sent me this email back:
Ashley:
Thanks for the help — I can always use extra eyes. I’ve revised my logline — I hope it’s not too spare now, but I think I’ve got the protagonist + antagonist + goal all in there now.
THE SALT BATH is a noir thriller pitting prodigal son Dexter Grey against a clan of sadistic polygamists as he tries to solve his parents’ murders.
Let me know if you think if I’ve lost something in the rewrite.
And feel free to post any or all of this!
best,
Kenneth
I think his revised logline is better. It’s shorter and actually tells more of the story.
Also, one thing I forgot to mention to Kenneth is that I really liked his “Think BLUE VELVET meets BIG LOVE.” I think this is an interesting pairing of two popular movies / television shoes and quickly conveys a lot of information.
What do you think? Help Kenneth improve his logline by leaving comments below.
If you haven’t read my post Writing A Screenplay Logline have a look at it as I explain in detail how to write a good logline for your screenplay.
Thanks for the help, Ashley, and I’d love any feedback from readers of your excellent blog. I can be reached at kendo@loosli.us if anyone should want to contact me directly.
I was wondering what you thought of this logline.
RAMSES is a horror/thriller in which a great King faked his own death thousands of years ago only to be awakened after the discoverer of his tomb, Lawrence Stratford is murdered, by his nephew, Henry and Ramses is the only witness to the murder.
Ramses’ tomb is shipped to England to the Stratford house and awakens out of his tomb to save Julie Stratford from the same fate her father met. Now he must protect her anyway he can.
RAMSES is certainly not your common mummy story.
Jessica;
Seems like more than a logline to me – it’s almost a short synopsis. Cut it down to just one sentence, two at the most.
Kenneth,
While I think your logline is almost there, I’m not sure how the “prodigal son” part plays into it. Might be better if he were more of an innocent son who has to face a world he has tried so hard to stay away from…Something more along the lines of:
“A young, conservative priest is thrown into the darkest corners of the underworld in a frantic search to uncover those who murdered his parents.”
I think Ashley is on the right track with his advice. The appeal of your logline is not so much that it’s a guy vs. polygamists, but a certain type of guy (innocent?) vs. a certain type of world (sinful?). What must Dexter overcome to go into this world?
Hope that helps.
Onward!
-Eric
Ashley,
Is this better for my log line?
RAMSES is a horror/thriller in which a great King faked his own death thousands of years ago only to be awakened after the discoverer of his tomb, Lawrence Stratford is murdered, and Ramses is the only witness.
Hi Ashley.
I was wondering if you could give me some feedback on my logline. Here’s what I’ve got:
No-nonsense secret agent Ashlynn Kenny just got a new partner – irresponsible party girl Kiley DeLaney. Can they overcome their differences in time to defeat the enemy organization out to destroy them?
It’s like Charle’s Angels meet Lethal Weapon!
Any help you can give would be appreciated. This is my first screenplay ever!! Thanks!
I was wondering if you could give me some feedback on my logline(s).
NO REST FOR THE WICKED (Thriller)
Blaming himself for his pregnant mother’s death at the hands of his brutal father, Jason Cole, a slight of build emo and occult-loving graphic novel artist, vows to be a better brother to, and make the world a better place for, his ‘fabulous’ ten year old diva sister, Mindy.
Shortly thereafter, coming to the rescue of an old woman on the subway, a hulking, Jason Voorhees-type vigilante is captured on CCTV plying his bloody trade bumping off thugs and scumbags in a merciless fashion.
A Death Wish meets Friday the Thirteenth tale about what the world would be like if Jason Voorhees was our best friend.
“Right and wrong is that which you can live with…”
and if you are in the mood, here are a few more.
A FISTFUL OF ZOMBIES (COMEDY/horror)
In Texas, they do things differently… and that includes dealing with zombies.
Red and Charlie are a pair of shine drinkin’, dynamite fishin’ good ol’ boys who find themselves up to their asses in flesh-eating zombies when visiting Young Republicans disturb an ancient burial ground. After chomping on the Republicans, the gory swarm trap Cody, Red’s daughter, in the nearby town and with the clock ticking down before army bombers ‘sterilise’ it, the pair of redneck Rambos declare war on the undead. But they do it Texas style.
It’s Dawn of the Dead meets The Dukes of Hazzard meets Forrest Gump.
In Texas, no one can hear a zombie scream…
AND…
CLAWS: THE KILLER SANTA (COMEDY/horror)
Claws is a ferocious creature from another world who offers a Freddy Krueger style Christmas vacation for the teenagers lured to a remote New England town for a boozy, fart-lighting binge fest and a ho-ho-horrific homicide!
It’s Animal House meets Jaws… in the snow.
I apologise for being a greedy sod!
cheers.
Sean.