Someone recently sent me this pitch for review:
Title: The Question
Logline: Random daily encounters lead a brilliant thirty-something to a different
perception of his body.
Synopsis:
What would you do if tomorrow you discovered that there is nothing in your head? If you could no longer put a sandwich in your mouth nor drink a glass of water? If your heart stopped beating? If you found that you are unable to die but all the people that you speak with won’t find anything out of the ordinary
in what is happening to you?
Matrix has shown us what can hide behind the word “reality”. The evolution of a certain idea can put the spotlight on the protagonist that gives meaning to our “reality”. We need only ask the following question: “why is our brain the most complex organ in the universe?”
To be honest I do not have a background very different to many of the others who send you their screenplay. I love to ask myself questions and, like in my story, I have tried to give a simple answer in an amusing and enjoyable way.
Well… it seems interesting but I don’t see a clear story line with a protagonist and a real thrust to an ending.
Your synopsis is very abstract and it needs to be concrete. For instance in your logline, I’m not sure what “a different perception of his body” means. We need to know who the protagonist is, who the antagonist is, what the central conflict is, and at least some idea about the resolution. A story, and especially a film, is about a journey with a beginning, middle, and ending. Those things aren’t clear in either your synopsis or your logline. But it should be clear in both.
I wouldn’t say this: “To be honest I do not have a background very different to many of the others who send you their screenplay.” Aside from the grammatical problems it doesn’t sound professional. What’s the point in telling a producer that you’re a novice? If there any upside to that? Act professional and you will be treated professionally.
You should check out my posts about Writing a screenplay logline and Writing a synopsis for your screenplay.
Good luck!